I’ve got amazing news for you sunshine!  One day YOU WILL finish your game!  That’s right!  After the year (or years) long struggle of late nights guzzling Dr. Pepper and inhaling pizza pockets while coding mercilessly till your fingers go numb, the final result will always be the same.  You become depressed, diabetic, and require surgery for your tendonitis.  Also, within the medical tragedy, your game gets released.  Yes, it’s all very exciting…. until the critics stroll up with their BMW and Mercedes Benz keyboards.  That’s right, those people who shit all over your game because they’re high society.  It’s called freedom of speech, so get ready to suck it up buttercup!

Nervous?  Hey I feel yah.  Releasing your game out into the world is like abandoning your child on their first day of school.  You’ve spent all this time preparing them for the outside world, but you feel like you just can’t let go.  You’re afraid how the others will treat your pride and joy.  It’s one thing for you to be vulnerable, but your own kid?  I don’t have children myself, but I do have nieces and I’d face plant that nine-year-old little shit that dares pick on them….and when the parents confront me I’ll make them eat concrete too for their lack of parenting skills.

But as awesome and brave an idea as that sounds, you have to stand back and let life take its course.  You’ve done all you can on your part, there’s no shame in that.  Your best bet going forward is to go all Buffalo Bill by piling on that thick skin you keep wishing you had.  This article will help you rub the lotion on your skin before the internet critics get to hose you again.

1. Jealous Game Developers

Behind every successful person is a large group of people who wish they were them.  Hey we’re all guilty of it.  Even though we live in a well-knit and highly supportive community the second a game blows up we’re a little sad that it isn’t us.  Sure, we’re happy for these developers but deep down we yearn for the same.  It’s a natural emotion and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

The people that should feel guilty are those fucking shit generals who straight up napalm people’s parades of triumph because they’re nasty pricks!  These jealous jackoffs are always trying to act like they got what you got.  They’re easily offended by your success, try to one-up you at the first chance they get, and tell you that your game isn’t all that.  It’s as if their royal blood gives them the highest decree of game reviews.

How to deal with them: Stand up for yourself, but not like an asshole.  These people have enough issues already and you don’t need to make the list.  Also you don’t understand what kind of struggle they’re going through.  For all you know their game development can be going a lot shittier than what you had to deal with.  Most of what they spew is usually hot air, so treat it as such.

2. Bitter Relatives

Now let me tell you something important about family.  I define family members as loyal, honest, and respectful.  As such, I show the same traits to them as well.  Relatives however are on the other end of the spectrum with their golden pots of shit.  They’re related by blood, not by bond and for some stupid reason that constitutes them as family.  Relatives judge, criticize, and disrespect you because they feel entitled to it as they think they’re family.  Yes, I have relatives that are awesome which I consider family.  But I also have relatives that I’m forced to see who feel entitled to be judgemental pricks, salty shit disturbers, or fucking frauds.  People I see fucking once or twice a year feel they know me inside and out!

Whenever you do something outside the box career-wise you will always have your critics.  Relatives will do that hard as they don’t understand the craft.  These arrogant toxic fuckers are jaded by how their lives turned out that they feel the need to make you homogenous with the group.  If you make a successful indie gem they will try to find something wrong with it.  If you make a piss poor excuse for a game they will give you that see I told you so attitude.  Shame is their legal tender in the justification of outranking your own will.

How to handle them: Relatives are like mud butt……no matter how many times you try to wipe there will always be shit.  They may have the best of intentions but they also have a misguided sense of what’s right and what’s wrong.  In other words, don’t take what they say as verbatim.  Always remember that you are in control of your own destiny, no one else.  Unless a meteor hits the earth.  Then we’re all fucked and this article is pretty useless.

3. Social Justice Warriors

Now here’s a special flock of fucks!  The social justice warrior is described by the urban dictionary as follows:

An individual that is defined by their constant attacking or addressing of anything they find inappropriate, offensive, or triggering in their eyes.  People that promote and address the social issues that truly matter on social media should be applauded, but social justice warriors are in a league of their own.  They repeatedly bash any content (even if its innocent) and aggressively call for the downfall of the person who carelessly offended them.

Social justice warriors are the latest fucking parasites to hit the nation.  Their phony mentality ignores real problems while only bitching about meaningless bullshit in order to look good in front of other SJW wastes of space.  These so called ‘educated’ pylons are now talking out of their asses towards the gaming community complaining that it doesn’t represent community X or it insults community Y as if anyone gives a fuck!  Here’s some illogical junk they will try and spew out about your IP:

Your ContentThe Crime You Have Committed
Your main protagonist is whiteYou’re a racist!
Your main protagonist is blackYou’re a racist slave owner!
Last boss takes on a final formYou’re a transphobe!
A character wears a fur coatYou’re a savage and intolerant towards animal rights!
A homosexual character is written by a heterosexual writerYou’re a homophobe!
The rich characters last name ends with either ‘stein’ or ‘berg’You support the bombing of innocent Palestinian children!
Character is based on a historical character who happens to be CaucasianWhitewashing!

 

How to deal with them:  You can’t appease someone who shits in your mouth while telling you that it tastes good and if you disagree you’re a disgrace to the human race.  These morons are more interested in getting brownie points with their peers than the actual issue.  SJW robots are programmed at failing to understand that we are humans first and whatever the hell else second.  Either ignore these wannabe self righteous hypocrites or just launch facts their way.  Social Justice Warriors hate facts, its like motherfucking kryptonite to them.

4. Anonymous YouTube Jerks

Thanks to internet 2.0 we get to hear everyone’s fucking opinion non-stop.  Don’t get me wrong.  There’s a lot of great honest feedback out there.  But within the amazingly awesome peeps comes Senior Arrogant Shithead with their garbage truck of highly concentrated super hate.  It’s inevitable as the work that you’re doing won’t be at the level of a AAA studio and these YouTurds just have to let you know.  Try not to be threatened as these self-proclaimed prodigies of what games should be are merely pedestrian critics.  In other words, they pass by your trailer on YouTube and write the first thing that comes to mind.  Then they move on thinking they’ve made the world a better place.  Well they could donate a couple hours feeding the homeless but no, the comments alone should suffice.

How to deal with them: Before you get scared that you’re going to piss off the trash trolls always tell yourself one thing: you can never please everyone.  So don’t.  Let them have their say and ignore them.  These anonymous “self-righteous heroes” are anonymous for a reason.  No one knows, cares, or follows the opinions of ‘superstars’ named Rice_is_Life368 or PrinCez*Pouch_89.  Giving them the time of day only grants the attention they starve for and makes you look like a desperate asshole…. unless you guide the conversation in this direction:

YouTube User Solid_Snake_Eyez457: Your game is a piece of shit!

Me: Well it’s not for everyone, just people who play with pieces of shit

 

YouTuber PuzzyFocker_834: Hey fuck your game!

Me: The graphics are pretty sexy but it’s an intangible item so….no

 

YouTuber ThE Real Kanye West4: You’re a pussy!

Me: Well you know, you are what you eat

5. Actual Critics

Okay these guys are a little more legit depending.  Most critics are objective as that’s their job.  They will point out what is executed well and where your game launches Taco Bell induced diarrhea at maximum velocity.  However, watch out for the subjective reviewer.  Some pretentious shit snot reviewing a first person shooter, who generally detests first person shooters, has no place reviewing that genre of games.  And they probably sucked some serious dick to get that position in the first place.  That’s right; subjective reviewers get their jobs through a subjective hiring process.

How to deal with them: Take it all with a grain of salt, and a shot of tequila beforehand if you wish.  This congregate knows what they’re doing and will give an honest opinion on your work.  This is a chance to see where you went wrong so you can improve on your skills.  Don’t worry about the subjective reviewer.  Critiques like I don’t like this genre, why does this have to be a love story, or why must the main character be male have absolutely nothing to do with gameplay, graphics, music, or presentation.  These shallow assholes believe creativity should be catered only to their tastes.  Readers and gamers don’t buy that bullshit.  Yes, there are critics that critique professional critics.  It’s called the public.

6. Selfish Asshole Friends

Do you have that friend that doesn’t shut the fuck up about their achievements?  Whenever you meet up, this fuck factory keeps producing stories of accomplishment and achievement as if they’re the second coming of Christ.  Oh, and they never ask how you’re doing, and if they do, your amigo with an ego will quickly change the subject back to themselves.  Or maybe you have that deadbeat friend who doesn’t shut the fuck up about their problems.  You know the one who is a victim 24/7 and shoots down every plausible solution you offer to their problems.  Can’t get a job?  Says the economy won’t let them!  Have no money?  Says the government is keeping them down.  Can’t get a girlfriend?  Says the dating scene isn’t like it used to be.  Why?  Because that’s fucking logic to them.  Why show up with humble pie when you can stay home and stuff your face with lazy fat arrogance soufflé?!

Whether you have the friend that claims they shit rainbows every day or the whiny fuck that can’t stand on their own two feet, they both have one thing in common: they will not appreciate the fact that you’re building a game.  Why you ask?  Because they both feel threatened by the notion that you may exceed them.  Johnny sunshine needs you below him to fuel his superiority complex.  Gloomy Gus needs you at his level because his lazy attitude won’t allow him to elevate to yours.  Both parties will become jealous and try to knock your new IP as much as possible.

How to deal with them: Well first of all you should get different friends.  Buuuttt if you can’t, all you can do is stand your ground here.  Real friends see you as equals not as an audience member to their lives nor a crutch to help them stand up.  Sure they can offer an opposing opinion if it has merit, but they should still be encouraging you to step outside your circle of comfort.  When it comes to the haters walk your own path as they’re certainly walking theirs.

7. Your Enemies

Well this is going to be short….

The fact that you would give these thundercunts the time of day is mind boggling.  I mean…. they fucking hate you!  It’s obvious you will never win their approval because folks who want you dead will typically be negative no matter what.  These people thrive on seeing you fail so it can validate their sick existence.  A life well lived is your only and best defense against these sour puss punk asses.

How to deal with them:  This is a no brainer, you don’t.  Leave them be and focus on what you’re trying to do.  Also don’t listen to anything they recommend either, unless you enjoy drinking toilet water (they will tell you to do that).  It’s not in your best interest.  It’s in theirs and theirs alone.

8. Significant Others

This one will not be so short….

The last girl I was dating ‘seemed’ supportive of my development for Dirty Chinese Restaurant.  As the relationship grew so did the game.  However, you always reach a point during development where doubt takes over making you think is what I’m doing right, will it work?  I discussed this with my future ex-girlfriend and her answer was that I’ve been ‘stuck’ in this development cycle for awhile now.  She recommended I needed change.  With all my talents I had gained over the years I thought she would recommend a similar career path.  She told me to get into insurance because that’s where the easy money is.  It was heartbreaking that she devalued not only what I was painstakingly creating, but the skills I had ascertained in the process.  Don’t worry this story has a happy ending.  Instead of throwing away what made me special I opened up a can of self-confidence and dropped her boring ass like a bad stamp collecting habit.

Your significant other whether it be someone you’re dating or married to should be 100% supportive of your decisions.  Why?  Because you live your fucking life by your standards because it’s YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!!  The second some pretty face shows up and decides their good looks are a form of currency to mold you into the image they desire is the day you enter shit stain city.  Your life is a rollercoaster.  If someone wants to join the ride with you great!  If someone jumps on pretending to like rollercoasters but then tries to convince you to spend the rest of the day on the boring ass tea cups fuck ‘em!  They can go suck an egg.

How to deal with them:  Dump them.  Anyone who wants to restrict you from using your talents to make something awesome is a shitty human being.  Period!  Why compromise who you are for someone who only masqueraded to adore the real you while having an ulterior motive.  Were you stupid enough to marry them?  Well I don’t want to go to the extremes of divorce so I’ll just say stay your ground.  If they love you they will understand.  If they don’t they’ll ask for the divorce……. which you wanted in the first place anyways 😀

 

In The End You Will Be Okay My Friend

Remember opinions are like assholes.  Everyone’s got one and when they open up it’s nothing but a thick stream of fecal matter that flies out.  Look at criticism from the perspective of that hauntingly beautiful metaphor and you won’t take others’ anal analyses so seriously.  And there is a very logical reason why you shouldn’t.  These people barely fucking know you and I’m betting hard earned drug money they don’t give a flying fuck if you were hit by a car or if you were hit by a bigger car.

There’s nothing wrong with opposing opinions as we live in a free society where we can agree, disagree, and discuss ideas.  You’re a human being who will make just as many correct decisions as wrong ones.  Why is it so important to hear where you goofed the fuck up?  Simple.  It’s called growth.  You will never get better at something if you are constantly being showered with praise…especially the fake kind.  You’ll just keep repeating the same godamn formula over and over again while never reaching your full potential.

Whichever end of the gamut you are on whether you are getting constructive criticism or the hate squad all up in your developers snatch you’re going to have to develop a thick skin.  People like a winner’s attitude, not a whiner’s one.

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