Well hello to my fans!  Yah you read right!  My motherfucking fans!  See, just recently I was interviewed on Drinking with Devs with Tony from FreedomCGC making me a superstar celeb.  Don’t believe what you’re reading?  Here I am in all my glory you doubtful fuck!  Ignore the commoner beside me, he means nothing.

Drinking w/ Devs Ep. 1 – Big O Tree GamesEXCLUSIVE 

I can totally understand that you’ve been blown away…..right?  Right?!  RIGHT?!!!

Okay, okay.  This sad façade is over now.  This was not only the first interview for the game but generally the first interview in my life.  Yes, I’ve had plenty of job interviews but…well…fuck those assholes at Hooters and their sexual discriminatory ‘rhetoric’ for not hiring me!  Just like walking, driving, and sexual relations your first time is never going to be your best…..and you will collide with something you’ll later regret.  I’m proud of my first time but my interviewing skills need improvement.  Why?  Because I don’t spend 48 hours a day bragging about how awesome I am in front of the camera!  We can’t all be Donald Trump.

I think outlining some tips on what I did right and where I shit my pants hard would be very helpful for you young game devs.  So heeeeeeerreee wwwwwweeeeeee gggggoooooooooo!!

1) Find Somebody Who Gives a Shit

Looking for someone to interview you is like seeking out a mysterious and erotic dance partner.  You need to find someone you can move and jive with even when you don’t know each other well.  Just like a sexy steamy dance number, a good interview is amazing when both parties do a great job.

2) Have a Talk About the Interview Beforehand

Find out the kind of questions the interviewer will ask you.  You may not know this but you look like a stupid fuck when you can’t answer a question properly.  Then we YouTube and meme the shit out of it making your kafuffle failure famous (famous for a reason you don’t want to be).  Those are the ways of the internet.

3) Bring Out Your Inner Queer Eye for The Straight Guy

Don’t use your room filled with Robocop and Back to the Future posters.  No one gives a giraffe’s ass that you still live in the fucking 80’s.  Decorate the set with your logo and artwork from your game.  Showing confidence in your indie title and company complements the atmosphere and shows your legit.

4) Wear Something Appropriate

Fun attire can really help promote what you’re all about.  Whether it be T-Shirts of your company or funny hats, these complimentary props will help put a fun spin on things.  Don’t dress in your coding uniform: white undershirt with Honey BBQ sauce stains and your beat up jogging pants…. you know…. the one with the hole.  In the crotch.

5) Make Sure Your Tech Matches This Century

Its not a huge priority for people to see your rancid acne and ear hair in gorgeous 4k.  They do however need to see your face and not a godamn checkerboard version of it.  Get a decent web cam or camera.  Fear not if you’re a cheapskate, just buy it from Best Buy and return it within thirty days (don’t forget to laugh in their faces when you do it).  Also, if you can, get a solid microphone.  It’ll make your already shitty voice sound slightly less shitty.

6) Get That Man a Drink!

Nothing takes the edge off like good ole cocaine.  Taking a hit of 4 or 5 rails can really……what….you sure….uh huh…..damn.  Okay someone has just informed me that cocaine is illegal.  Wasn’t Justin Trudeau supposed to legalize it?  Whatever, let’s try a substitute.

BOOZE!!!

Before the interview, if you’re nervous, take a shot of Jack or pound down a cold one.  It’ll help calm the nerves a little but don’t polish off six six packs out of a glass boot while trying to nail down a Guinness World Record.  You need to be confident, not Mel Gibson shitfaced.

 7) Pitch it! Pitch it Good!

You ever see that forty-year-old asshole at the bar trying to pick up chicks?  You know, he shows up in an Armani suit to show he has coinage while chatting up the hottest girl whose probably already considering a career as an escort.  As he’s ordering up a Roofie Colada for the lucky mademoiselle, you’ll see he’s doing something you’re not.  In all that smug arrogant speech Wally fuck face is puking out, he’s actually pitching himself.  That’s why he goes home to star in his own blue movie while you go to your parents’ basement with blue balls.

Talking about your company and the game you’re producing is the same idea.  Whomever you’re speaking to, whether it be an interviewer or a regular joe, you want to speak with the utmost of passion.  Why is your game awesome, why does a guy like me want to play it, where can I get it, etc.  You need to eat, live, breathe your game.  Be a condescending fuck to get your point across if you have to.  People will understand.

8) Practice Talking

A great way to work on a pitch is to practice it.  Write it down.  Start saying it out loud.  Talk in front of the mirror like a fucking mental patient if you have to.  Who cares if you’re scaring your mom!  It’s illegal for loving family members to institutionalize you if they feel you are a threat to yourself or others.  Trust me, I have a lawyer who handles my real estate who has never mentioned this to me.  I know what I’m fucking talking about.

9) Know Your Work Well

If you don’t know your game you have a serious fucking problem.  You’ve been working on the godamn thing for months, maybe years now!  You should be able to talk about your experience, or are you one of those tools who takes pictures of their computer screens and posts on Instagram #lookimworking #reallyimmakingagame?  Let’s make this simple, if you didn’t design the game make sure the designer is speaking.  If you had no hand in the artwork, make sure the artist is speaking.  Yes, have a team interview if you have to in order to better pitch your game.  After all, it’s about the game not your selfish fame hoarding candy ass.

10) Remove the Rod Up Your Ass Beforehand

This isn’t 60 minutes.  You’re not talking about your views on Transgender bathroom rights.  Millions of people are not watching.  Screwing this up will not end your chances of getting into Clown College.  You’re pitching a video game you’re making.  Lighten the fuck up and have some fun.  Smile….not that demented one you have.  The nice one you show your mom.

11) Don’t Ramble Like an Idiot

No one likes that chatty piss wizard who talks for four hours and keeps saying So Long Story Short forty-five times.  That damn jizz stain doesn’t understand the actual words; they just use it as a segue to continue rambling.  Rambling is the ultimate torture device ISIS uses when waterboarding just isn’t enough.  How do you know when you’re rambling?  Did the person you’re talking to just look somewhere else?  That’s a ramblin’.  Did the person walk away mid speech?  That’s a ramblin’.  Did the person punch you in the mouth?  You better believe that’s a fucking ramblin’.  Stay on point, but remember….

12) Take Your Time Answering

People have three speeds when talking: Agent Smith slow, normal human, and shit spitter.  When you talk at shit spitter speed, no one understands what the hell you’re saying making you come off as an incoherent idiot.  Pace yourself when talking and make sure to enunciate your words for Christs sakes.  It’s okay to give a long answer…just don’t ramble…see above.

13) Don’t Be an Asshole. Thank People for Their Time

This one is self-explanatory, I don’t need to write anything for it.  If you don’t understand the title here don’t worry it doesn’t make you an asshole.  It makes you stupid.

 

And That’s the End My Friend

Fact of the matter is some of these points I gracefully succeeded in.  Others I fell flat on my ass but it’s okay, I’ll get another shot while getting better.  Same goes for you.  It’ll take a couple of interviews before you hit your comfort zone, so don’t over think too much about getting it right the first time.  And don’t burden yourself with any outside criticism from the YouTube comments section.  It takes a lot more courage to make yourself vulnerable in front of a camera then to push your opinion anonymously on a message board.  People are more likely to remember an interview about Miyamoto and his inspirations then YouTube user Dark_Knight0957 and his ass shit comments on the industry.

Each time you finish one make sure to watch your performance.  I know it’s really difficult to watch you suck on screen but you have to be critical of yourself.  Learning from your mistakes is the only way to get better.  Besides, it’ll be fun to compare your first video with your 578th to see how far you’ve come.  Good luck and Godspeed folks!

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